2002 LOVE LETTERS
Context: Neal is in Ohio, and I am in Ethiopia. Our children have become young adults and are leading their own lives, yet they remain deeply involved with ours. Complications with the adopted Ethiopian children, Becki’s issues in Ethiopia, and Neal’s spiritual transformation were happening in the year 2002.
January 2, 2002
Dear Neal,
I have been trying for two days to get online without success. Finally, at the internet cafe today, I found a long letter from you. I know I sounded terrible in my last email. I re-read it and realized I am demanding a lot. Forgive me, I know you are right about keeping your job.
It would be wise to let the house go in Washington. It’s the only way we can avoid more problems with it. We don’t need the hassle again if we do not live there. So, please do what you need to do before paying any more.
I am discouraged about the things I am hearing here. The government has cited Behailu for corruption. He’s in trouble. I hear he’s been bribing officials. I have been waiting for the decision because I know many things have enormous potential to change at the Church of Christ compound. When it happens, Ethiopian deaf people will have opportunities they never had before.
It is tiring to see how corruption feeds on corruption. John Ed has deliberately ignored Behailu’s behavior all these years.
January will be a month in which there will be changes, so I hear. As I watch all the delays, I question it. Everything seems bleak now.
With your e-mail sounding so pressing, I am unsure what God would have me do. I need to pray and hear the Lord’s voice, what He would have me do.
I’m confident God is greater than all our problems. He allows all things for His grand purpose for the higher good. Every heavy-hearted issue must be in the Lord’s hands, including my concern about being back in Ohio. If God wants me to live in that hostile environment, He will give me the strength to do it.
It is because of your last email that I say this. You are my husband, and I always intend to follow your lead. I cry when I think about being there. It seems like a trap to destroy me. I want to trust that it is not so. Your reasoning and email seem so logical, simple, the way it should be to you and all the others.
In my reality, things are very different. I believe in God’s Word. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I accept that being in Loveland is my path, if there is no other. I will follow what the Lord says and trust you will be there for me, as I need you to be.
Please email me at SIM guest for now because I am having trouble with my Internet. I will spend the next few days intensely praying. I might leave for the States sooner than I thought. Please pray that I make wise decisions and not leave before I should. If you think I should be home now, just let me know. I want your blessing in everything I do. God uses you to help tell me what I should do. I am always interested in your thoughts.
I was crying just now about being back in Ohio, but I know you will be with me through it. Please write soon.
Much love,
Becki.
January 3, 2002
Becki,
I have been waiting to hear from you for some time. I turned on my email several times a day and couldn’t bring myself to write until I received a word from you. Keder told me yesterday I could read the email you sent to him. It felt terrible because I had received nothing from you yet. Finally getting an email from you was a relief. I will share the last email with Peter because it shows the trust we have in our future.
I called the loan officer about the Washington house yesterday to tell him about the problems, such as you’ve been gone for months, maintenance for both houses, and negative cash flow. He let me skip the January payment, but the payments will be 1 1/2 months in February and March. He said we could think about a deed in law instead of getting the bank to take it back. It would be better for our credit. We should deal with this ourselves. Otherwise, the bank might sell it for less than it’s worth, leaving us with a debt.I’d rather not do that, but it may be better than giving it back to the bank.
I will get the magnetic imaging today regarding my bad knee, so I may cut this letter short. If I told you everything that everyone here is trying to do for you or us, you might not believe it. I’m selective about what I believe. So, I won’t reveal everything. It has helped to change me, and it might change you, too.
I am happy for you and everything you are trying to do. I am praying for you. Though my prayers aren’t always perfect, the Holy Spirit’s intercession reassures me I’m on God’s path.
Peter is staying here at the house for two weeks until he goes back to school. It is great to have him here because I am lonely. You don’t know how lonely I am, or do you? It doesn’t matter where we go together. It doesn’t matter when. It doesn’t matter if we are all alone. It doesn’t matter whether we are happy or whether we are sad. What matters most of all is whether we are in God’s will. It doesn’t matter where we start or whether we start late. What matters most of all is whom we follow and why we wait. It seems to rhyme, so I’ll work on it more. I love you,
Neal
February 4, 2002
Becki,
Yesterday I visited the Air Force Museum in Dayton with Peter and Jelanie. It was nice. You and I must go there when we have a chance. Peter said I should tell him when the air show is on next year, so he can go with me.
A couple of days ago, Peter came home early. I looked out the window and was curious about the girl with him. His purpose was to introduce her, but my light was off, so they turned around and left. It was only 8:30 in the evening.
It’s night now, so I’m ready for sleep. I pray to God for your safety. Sometimes my eyes get wet. Sometimes, I don’t know how to pray because it isn’t audible, but it is there. In the morning, I know God will answer my prayer. All things work together for good to people who love God and are called according to His purposes. My reason in telling you that is so you know I miss you. I, along with God, love you eternally. I have been doing what God has called me to do, and part of that is waiting.
Jesus spoke all day long in parables, but those without ears to hear heard nothing. It was unspoken things, not the revealed things he spoke.
That is why I am ready to accept you and your mission in Ethiopia. Is it worth it? Only you can know this. I need not know all the information, but I will leave it in your hands to make a suitable investment, and that will be right. I pray God will help you decide what to do.
Meanwhile, God will make it work for me here.
Love,
Neal
January 4, 2002
Hello Neal,
It was good to get your email. I am glad you are sharing what I wrote with Peter. I am so happy he is staying there with you. It helps you not to be too lonely, I am sure. I would like to hear from Peter. I am proud of him and his dedication to how he relates to young people in ROTC. I want him to write and tell me about it. I also want to know what has become of Becky! Please ask him to email me when he gets the chance.
As for Keder, I am glad he shared my email with you. As you have read, I asked him and Jelanie to go to adoption counseling while I’m in Ethiopia. Is that too much to ask? It will show their goodwill and intentions toward helping to solve our relational issues. Please encourage them to follow through. Keder has not yet emailed or confirmed whether he would do it. Jelanie has not emailed me either. I would appreciate it if he emailed me again.
I am supposed to call tonight about the situation that keeps me here. I hope I will have information that will give me more insight into how long things may take. Despite the bribes continuing to delay the process, we are hopeful something will happen this month to bring about the justice we seek.
I have been corresponding with my brother Alan. I suspect that Behailu has taken money from our family by selling my parents’ car here and putting it in his pocket. Several Church of Christ people have been telling me this for a long time, but I have not wanted to believe it until now. I am not sure what I should do about it. I could leave it all in the Lord’s hands. It happened over 25 years ago. They say this is the reason he is rejecting me so much. He feels guilty and does not want me on the compound, ever.
The deaf here continued to be a delight. I am amazed and grateful for the opportunity to work with and help them. Amazingly, I have you to thank for supporting what I am doing. What more could I ask for? The Lord is good.
About the house in Washington State, I am glad you have called the bank and explained things to them. It’s nice they have given us some time. I hope something will happen between now and then to give us a clearer picture of what we should do. I am sure the Lord has a better plan than we could think of, so let us wait on Him.
I find it ironic and a weird twist of events that has cornered us financially with these two houses. I am unsure of what it all means. I accept God’s will. Even if we lose big time, we trust God will turn it all for good because we love and trust Him.
We are trying to serve Him with what we have. We are not heaping treasures on ourselves anymore. We are giving to God’s work, so anything He does with what we own is fine with me. It belongs to Him anyway.
I am so curious when you say you have changed. Do you think it is because I am not with you that you have grown in ways you could not have if I were there? Are you more accepting of churches such as Karen and Nathan’s church? Tell me how you have changed. I want to know. Are you sure things will never be the same when I return? What has happened to you? How did it happen?
I have enjoyed the quiet experience here and the opportunity to stretch my faith in ways I never dreamed possible. I’m learning to trust and remain unaffected by Behailu’s rejection and abuse of authority. I am leaving it all in God’s hands and waiting on the Lord with expectations that He will not let this go on forever. There is a good reason for me to be in Ethiopia to see what is going on.
I hope to hear from you soon. You can write at paynenrs now because I am not having a problem with my Internet. I love you, my dear Neal. I hope and pray you get excellent results on the MRI test regarding your knee. Let me hear from you soon. I have been praying for you. Please continue to pray for me, too. Always let me know what is in your heart. I care about everything you feel.
Much love and kisses,
Becki
January 6, 2002
To my love, Becki,
I just thought I would write you a note or two. Peter made a deal with Keder that whenever or each time he mentioned Becky’s name, he owed Keder one dollar. So, he can’t get her out of his mind. He laughs a lot about it, but seriously, he doesn’t know what to do. You should have his email by now. He sent it yesterday.
I don’t understand the house or the car. Did your parents own the car or build their own home on some of the property in or off the compound? Did they have an account with the church, or if they did, was it agreed that after their leaving or dying, it would go directly to the church? Many churches do that.
Guess what! I got a call from someone while writing this. He wants to come over tomorrow or soon to see what I need to finish the tile project. He and others from Karen’s church and the Tuesday evening classes wanted to help with the tile and make this house better for YOU. Can you believe it? Can you believe that we all want the best for you? Couldn’t this all make your day or days?
Now, to answer the question of my changed life.
I don’t know how to explain that I see everything in a different light from a few months ago, but that is so. I have told you some of these things before, but it will not hurt to repeat them.
When I see a person, I wonder first how I would show God to them or what to give them that would make them happy. I aim to share my knowledge about God in a way that helps people feel content and experience a sense of forgiveness.
I have a great desire to know others’ needs and help them when possible. I must fulfill others’ needs so they will want to know why I did this for them. I have seen the futile effort we all make to help others, usually only when it helps us. It is easiest for us when we don’t make a sacrificial effort. God may not be in it if it costs us nothing and no significant investment. If we invest our lives in others, we will look for ways to give them God’s government, which is now.
I am not trying to impress you, but to tell you why I am different from a few months ago.
When I look at a person, I look for their need as a caring person who, if found, will be an example of whom they should imitate. If they ask, I can tell them about the teacher, Jesus. I have God and the Holy Spirit.
I am convinced that this world is primarily devoid of true Christians. People are not ready to act good when confronted with evil. The world is looking for someone, somewhere, to direct them toward the unselfish love of God. I look for others to show me the Holy Spirit. I regret not doing anything else effectively.
How does this relate to you? You will see. Several things in my life are changing now. I don’t know what it’s all about. A person cannot be different inside without external things changing too. You might see something I can’t see.
It breaks my heart now when I visit someone or a group of people who are busy being foolish and don’t need direction from God. If I say nothing, I may have failed. If I say something, I wonder what it should be. Through the spirit, I know something that will make them feel how bad they are. Should I say nothing and leave?
I know you already know what I am talking about. That is why you have enemies, and I love you for that. You think it better to suffer for God’s purposes than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season.
I would love nothing else than to go to church or a believer’s home and to trust people I confide in. I have more trust in my bones than I can express. Something about you being gone from me now makes me ripen to good fruit, or else I may be rotten to my bones. I have made it my goal to be as beautiful and valuable as the vine wants me to be. I cannot make it any plainer than that, and I feel honored that I even expressed it to you.
I think of Ruth from the land of Moab and the decision she made with Boaz. It reminds me of our convictions and the things each of us had to give up for the other. I know God honors our marriage and will bless us more than we know. I am convinced of all that I have written here that neither you nor anyone else can ever change my mind on this.
From your husband and with love,
Neal
January 8, 2002
Dear Neal, my love,
You have been sending me beautiful and encouraging emails lately. I am so excited that God is doing amazing work in your life. It sounds like He has been filling you with His Spirit. I don’t think that would have happened had I had still been there all this time.
I love what you share with me. It makes me feel the Lord is doing something unique individually and in our marriage. We love the Lord, others, and we will walk together in ways that were only in our dreams. I don’t know what the Lord has planned for our future. He is doing good things. I am excited.
I am not 100% sure what you meant in your last paragraph in one of your previous emails.
“Your prayers for me have led to a hard decision for you, one requiring sacrifice to find peace.” Could you please be more specific about what you mean? I am asking because the nature of the situation I find myself in here has caused me to search for the Lord and what He requires of me.
Why are we in such a financial bind at this point in our lives when sacrificing in the way you have, supporting me to be here? Something of significant importance is happening in several areas of our lives, and who knows where it will end up?
I see what I am doing here as a long-term commitment. I am in the position of maintaining squatters’ rights and later becoming a backbone for finding support for the doors that will open. I want to be with you when this happens. I do not want to be apart. I pray we will enter the ministry together when the time is right. I don’t know how or when, but I want to see it happen that way. It is my heart’s desire.
God is answering my prayer by doing extraordinary things in your heart. I praise Him for how He is moving. I know He must change certain things in both of us to prepare us, so let us continue to let it happen. Keep learning, growing, and developing. He is on our side!
Love,
Becki
January 9, 2002
Hello Neal,
I discovered an email from you that I had not read. It is the one about Karen’s church wanting to help finish the tile project for us. Wow! That is a unique and loving act. It is unbelievable. I am not sure what to say. Are you attending that church? Tell me more.
As for your questions about my mom and dad’s property here, I was referring to their cars and things left in their house when they died. Their home was on the Church of Christ compound. They had two cars. I have been asking about what happened to their blue sedan. People here say that Behailu sold that car and put the money in his pocket. Alan gave him the van that belonged to our parents, but Alan knew nothing about the blue sedan.
So, I have been doing a little research on it to see if the rumor is true. I don’t know what we could do about it after all these years, nor do I care. I am concerned that Behailu is so corrupt and has gotten away with it all these years. His fall will be a big one. I love him, but his cruelty is unbearable. He doesn’t understand God’s love. He threatens me and others who want to be close to me.
I am experiencing again the evil doctrine and actions of the Church of Christ. It’s no different from what I experienced when Carl was dying and the CoC rejected me. It didn’t matter to them I was about to become a widow and my seven children fatherless. I stood up against their false doctrine, so they felt they had no choice but to push me out. Behailu is using this tactic as his excuse as well.
However, I am much stronger now. No one who knows me here agrees with what Behailu is doing against me and knows that corruption motivates him. It is sad.
I wanted to respond to your email. I didn’t read it until now. I love you. Please tell me more about Karen’s church, what it wants to do, and your attendance.
I still have received nothing from Jelanie. I wonder whether he sent me something or just said he did. I am still very uneasy about living in Loveland. I would like to know if Keder and Jelanie will go to adoption counseling so they will know more about the adoption issues that have hurt our family so much. I asked Keder this, but no response.
I find it hard to believe that they care about me if they don’t agree to go. It should be on their priority list. Fair treatment and understanding of adoption issues is paramount for our family’s well-being in Loveland.
Please let me know about your knee. I am praying for you and the kids. I am still waiting for an email from Jelanie. Tell Peter I loved his email and will email him soon. It is now late, and I need to get to bed.
I also love you with an everlasting love. You are in my thoughts and prayers and dreams each day. I miss you and want to be with you. God bless and keep you, and may He continue to shine His light on you and give you spiritual riches in abundance.
Much, Much Love,
Becki
January 11, 2002
Neal,
I miss you. I am praying for you. I am eager to hear what the doctor says about your knee. Please write. I haven’t heard from you for a while.
Alan has not received several of my emails. It would not be surprising if someone were messing up the email.
This month will be challenging. I am feeling some of it now. Please pray earnestly for me. I need you to pray a lot. I want to go home, but I need documented proof of the Church of Christ’s corruption before I leave. That is what I am waiting for, and there may be enormous battles before that happens. Please write. I am feeling very lonely.
Love,
Becki
January 11, 2002
For my love, for your heart, and for the most profound feelings for you:
Becki,
You know, I don’t think of much else. When I feel hurt, I don’t write to you. Not that I am complaining to you. The last three months have been some of the best of my life. But please don’t stay away, lest I shrivel up and blow away!
It feels good to be working again. There’s nothing like being at home for a full two weeks. I haven’t experienced that in years. With almost nothing to do, especially since my wife is gone, I was bored.
I don’t know what we will do next month when it’s time to pay for February’s mortgage in Tonasket, WA. I assumed you would be here in time to make the house payments and other significant transactions, like refinancing both loans. It may be too late to refinance when you get here, and the interest rates will be high.
I went to the bank to get a loan. They said we were not making enough money to ask for another loan, and we are already paying too much on other loans. Regardless, I could change nothing on the house loans without you because they need both signatures.
If anyone has practiced deception and called it godliness in the CoC where you are, they will pay dearly. Not that we will see it, but it will come in time. They must know that forgiveness is available upon request, but hardened hearts will lead to their destruction.
I will try to write each day for you, but remember, when I don’t, it may be because I hurt since I am so in love with you.
Your Love,
Neal
January 11, 2002
Dear Neal,
It is good to hear from you again. Your email confirmed what my heart was telling me. It is time to go home. I tried all morning to get online to find your email. It was so frustrating that I cried because I was so worried about you, and frustrated that I could not get the email. I got online several hours later; there they were, your emails.
Your emails confirmed what I had been thinking of doing. After I finish this, I will make reservations for the 18th of January. That is on a Friday next week. That will give enough time here for something to happen about what I have been waiting for. I earnestly pray that I will have concrete proof of how corrupt things are in the CoC before I return to the States. If it doesn’t happen by next week, Lord knows why. Let Him be the judge. I need to be with you. I need not worry about it since the Lord controls everything.
Correcting corruption here will finally provide deaf and hard-of-hearing people with an excellent education and other important benefits they’ve never had. Behailu and John Ed have oppressed the deaf and the church here for their own gain.
Why do I always get involved with wicked people and situations I don’t understand? Are wicked men so ill-treating me that God can judge their evil deeds? When I am close to the Lord, these things seem to happen the most. That may be the only reason I still have confidence I am doing something right in my relationship with God.
I have heard that the latest is that Behailu is trying to convince everyone that I am mentally ill. I am sure he is getting encouragement from the States to go on that route. I will explain all when I see you. Because I am keeping the situation hidden, I prefer to share only a little by email. You will hear it all when I return.
I am glad to hear you are going back to work and that your knee is better. Please tell me your telephone number and your cell number. I will be at the Cincinnati airport on Saturday, the 19th. Please give me the phone numbers soon. I will email you when I get the exact date and time.
Ok, Neal, I love you so much. I am eager to be with you again. Thank you for all your loving support while I have been here. I have wasted none of that, as you will hear when I get home. Have patience. I will be home soon. Please email me at paynenrs.
Much love, Becki
January 12, 2002
Becki,
Are you coming home next Friday? I assume the 18th. That’s good. Did you accomplish what you said you would? I may not have gotten all of your emails.
Beyan’s mother-in-law contacted me. I told her I couldn’t talk because I had promised Beyan I wouldn’t communicate further with his in-laws.
I got a call from Beyan, who said it was okay to talk to them. And that he and Cammy are back together again. He said he wants us to communicate with him, his wife, and his in-laws. So, I sent a message to his mother-in-law and explained why I had to do that. I forwarded a copy to you as well. Isn’t that good news?!
Please tell me the day so I can prepare. I get home close to 4 or 5 pm each day and am off on Mondays and Sundays. Hope my last email didn’t alarm you. It was to let you know how much I love and miss you. I miss you so much. I don’t know what it will be like being with you again. It has been so long.
Love,
Neal
January 12, 2002
Neal,
Wow, that’s fantastic news about Beyan and Cammy. Amazing! Do you think I will also stop being his target? I sure hope so. I am eager to talk with them. Anyway, by now, you have read my last email. It came from the Simquest email, which is slower. From now on, I will write all my emails from paynenrs.
I am looking forward to seeing you . I am coming in on Saturday, but I don’t know the time yet. I will let you know next week. It will be great to catch up on each other’s lives over the weekend.
I love you so much!
Becki
January 12, 2002
Becki,
Here is the way I perceive it. Matthew 13 Verse 30 says Bind up the tares first, ready to burn, but gather the wheat into my barn. Verse 37: Sower of the good seed is the Son of Man. The field is the world. Good seeds are the children of the kingdom. Tares are the children of the wicked one, and the enemy is the devil. Harvest is the end of the world. Reapers are the angels. 12: Whoever has, to him it shall be given, 35: I will open my mouth and speak things kept secret from the foundation of the world.
I identify with the stony ground and the thorns, for the cares of this world seem to direct me in this way. I would worry about money and credibility with my peers. The Sower of the good seed wouldn’t have sown tares. So, I was called by the Master to do good things for Him. Being CALLED and CHOSEN can be the same if we don’t waver. The fire that consumes the evil will be after I receive the good into God’s barn, then the Holy City descends to earth, and the wicked will be destroyed. Rev 20:7-9.
We need not agree, but I find it interesting. I am waiting for your return soon.
I love you more and more,
Neal
January 12, 2002
Hi Neal,
Looks like I may get home sooner. The Wednesday flight arrives in Cincinnati at noon. Who do you know who can pick me up? Let me know. I love you!
Becki
January 13, 2002
Neal,
Can you pick me up? I will arrive on Delta at 11:52 tomorrow, January 14. I hope to see you waiting for me. You are the first person I want to see at the airport. OK, lots of love and kisses to come…
Becki
